The Old Me

I want to go back to the old me. The old me that was worry and carefree. The me that able to save wisely but still spend freely. The old me that took trips with friends and always had activities on the calendar to attend. Now I'm a recluse because I lack funds to have fun. People don't believe it when I say I'm broke. I know I say a lot of funny stuff but that is no joke. Haven't had the money to do the things I used to do and live the way I'm used to. I can't even pay my rent on the date it's due. A mountain of debts and calls from creditors that I avoid daily, I need superman to come in and rescue or save me. Insecurity issues on top of mounting self loathing, thank God for therapy where I do all my unloading. I unload all my problems, concerns and fears, sometimes I even shed tears. I'm  not sure if the tears I shed now are from depression or because I miss my old life with no therapy sessions.   I want my old life back.. Can I have it back? I'm not the me I used to be, not sure if I like the new me.

Revelation

Constantly reaching out to a hand that isn't there. You always say you love me but never show me that you care. As I deal my daily issues all I can think about is how much I miss you.a part of my life for so long, some things were right but most of it wrong. The jail time, the drugs, the women, and the lies I was there through it all. . I've known you for 11 years yet now I don't even know who you are. You've guarded yourself against getting hurt by me but I loved you with everything that was in me. Just Like Bonnie and Clyde and Romeo and Juliet our love story has a tragic end. Yet and still you always want to remain my friend. I call you don't answer. I text you don't reply. The only question I have is why? All I ever did was love you. I tried to be the perfect woman for you so that you'd  never want another. had dreams of being a wife and a mother. Selfish of you to only think of your heart while mine has been ripped out, torn, and shredded apart. Chasing after a love that doesn't want to be caught, it's the hardest lesson I've ever been taught. learning to let go and love me without you, is one of the things I never thought I'd have to do. I'm the perfect girl but for the wrong guy. I should smile at this revelation instead I want to cry. As I put the pieces of my life back together, a part of you will always exist in the back of my mind. I was far to kind and wish I could  press rewind and do things differently. I've come to the conclusion that this love wasn't meant to be.

Ring The Alarm

These cuts on my body are from self harm. Instead of screaming out, I cut myself and watch the blood stream out. As the endorphins release I'm subdued and soothed. Feeling much like I'm overlooked and ignored, the only thing I can control are these cuts. One cut for my mom who pays me no attention, one cut for the father who is missing in action, and another cut for the students at school who laugh and taunt me because I can't do fractions. This is my form of self medication and while its not a drug it's still as addictive. I'm addicted to the rush I feel, when I get the first gush from the first cut. Oh how I love that sensation. I want to stop, need to stop, but I can't resist the temptation. The temptation to open my flesh and let my emotions pour out like tears. It eases my fears and draws me nearer to myself cuz I'm the only one who understands me best. I've got it bad. My arms, legs and hands show the battle scars from the internal war I'm fighting with myself. A Razor, knife, or scissors are my choice of weapon to fight the inner demons that seem to keep screaming. Screaming at me to do it and get it over with. Ring the alarm! Ring the alarm! I'm slowly killing myself with self harm. Take all these sharp objects away from me,  I'm not strong enough to resist the urge to purge my feelings through blood.

Liability

Is loving me a liability? Does it weaken your ability to function physically and mentally? You give me the best of you sexually but can't openly admit to loving me. Not ready to deny, accept, deal with, or feel the emotions that come with falling for some one. One day you're here, the next you're gone. How am I supposed to feel? How am I supposed to deal? Deal with your inept ability to let go and let love take the course it was already on, to open up your heart and let it love me. I thought I was an asset but maybe to you I'm just a liability

A Great Day in Mental Health

On yesterday the Obama administration launched mentalhealth.gov a website dedicated to mental health news and updates. Not only is this site for those who suffer from mental illness but it also provide information to those who are clueless to the different types of mental illnesses that exists. The site has myths and facts, a section on what to look for if you or someone you know may have a mental illness, as well as a directory by zip code of treatment facilities. I have only browsed the site but I'm loving whatnot see this far. There is so much to learned about mood disorders, anxiety disorders, personality disorders, etc. 

If you or someone you know is need of help please direct them to this site, you don't have to suffer in silence!

Do You See Me

Look past the perfectly applied makeup and the perfectly manicured nails and toes, the designer labels and fancy clothes. Look past the flashy red car that screams look at me, and look at me. You see me but you see what you want to see. I'm so transparent you can see through me. I lay it all out and still you ask what is this about? I'm feeling invisible. Everything about me is visible. To the untrained eye, I got it all together, boy is that a lie. I don't know who I am from day to day and its hard to keep track of all my thoughts. The thoughts that keep me up at night, the thoughts that consume me during the day, the thoughts that don't go away no matter how hard I pray. Keeping it all together when I'm torn apart snd confused inside is a task. How can I help you ask? You can't. It's a problem that has to fix itself.. A problem that takes time, patience and persistence to overcome. In the meantime I'll just continue to come undone.. Behind the makeup, the manicured nails and designer labels, a woman is wanting to be seen, needs to be seen, yearns to be seen. Do you see me?